Hypervigilance
by rosexpetals
Summary: Story about Iain and his PTSD and how he seeks comfort in Rita. Eventual Rita/Iain. TW: This story will contain Self-Harm and Suicidal themes in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Dixie started up the ambulance as Iain jumped in to the passenger seat, they had been called out to assist the other team with an acid attack.

"I started watching a new programme on that thing, what do you call it?" Dixie piped up.

"Netflix?" Iain replied, yawning.

"Yeah, that's the one," she laughed. "Anyway, I started watching this thing about a woman's prison, it was better than I expected to be. You should give it a go; I've only watched the first three eps though."

"That's nice," Iain retorted. Dixie just rolled her eyes at his sarcasm.

"So Iain, is there any lucky ladies you've got your eye on?" She poked. Iain looked at her and furrowed his brow, but he did think about it. An image of Rita popped into his mind but he just shrugged it off.

"That's a bit random innit?"

"Not really, you keep yawning. Someone has to be keeping you awake at night," she winked.

"Yeah, very funny," Iain rolled his eyes.

"Well there must be someone," Dixie pestered him.

Iain just ignored her, he hadn't really thought about anyone. He was too focused on his work to be thinking about having a woman in his life. Although, the more he thought about it, he started to realise that he hadn't been with anyone for a couple of months now. Then he thought about what made him think of Rita when she asked that question. He had never thought about her in that way before, obviously he thought she was attractive but they never really spoke much so why did he think of her? His thoughts were interrupted by the radio on his belt crackling. He had missed what the voice was saying; he was too deep in thought. He unhooked the radio from his belt and pulled it up to his face.

"Say that again control?" Iain asked, confused.

"Holby control to 3006, 3007 in attendance of this incident. 6 walking wounded," the crackly voice from the radio responded.

"All right, roger that," he answered back, slightly annoyed.

"What are we a taxi service?" Dixie barked as she drove the ambulance.

Iain shook his head, "Number 9 bus goes straight from Holby to here."

Dixie and Iain looked out onto the road and noticed someone dressed all in leather that appeared to be in a lot of pain. Then they realised the motor bike that crashed into the bus stop not far from he was lying. Dixie started slowing down and turned to go into the street where the crash took place.

"Right now here's someone who really does need an ambulance," Dixie stated whilst parking up. "3006 to control, unable to proceed to original call. We've stopped at a running call," she shouted down the radio.

Iain grabbed his equipment and headed straight for the young boy as soon as the vehicle stopped moving.

"Hello mate, ambulance service," Iain reported, striding over to him.

"No, I'm okay," the young boy struggled and tried to get up.

Iain rushed to his side, "Okay, stay nice and still for us, you might make it worse," he squatted down so that he was eye-level with the boy. "Have you got any pain in your neck at all?" He questioned him.

"Right, what have we got?" Dixie inquired, interrupting Iain.

"Airways clear," he added. "What's happened? Has somebody hit you?"

"It's a slippery road, the bike just flew out," the boy explained, almost out of breath.

Iain looked over to where the motorbike had crashed. Smoke was surrounding and he couldn't see much but whatever happened seemed brutal.

"Right, I'll see what the damage is," Iain said whilst standing up and making his way over.

"Yeah, leave me to do all the hard work why don't you?" Dixie joked.

As Iain got closer to the crash site, everything was becoming clearer. The glass at the bus top had been shattered; the motorbike was on its side and there was a strong smell of petrol. He then noticed the blood that had been splattered up the side of the glass and was also spreading out from underneath the bike. Thoughts start racing through his mind. He didn't want to know what lay underneath that bike. But he took a deep breath and edged closer, he stopped when he seen the body of a young woman. He could feel his heart pounding out of his chest and there was a lump in his throat. His eyes wandered over to where he could see the feet of a baby boy. He took in a sharp breath and closed his eyes not wanting to see anymore.

 _He was back in Afghanistan again. The sun was hot and beating down on him, making him sweat. He couldn't see much, the smoke and fire blanketed the ground; clouding his vision. All around him, he could hear people screeching in fear and pain. The smell of burning flesh wafted through the air, he covered his mouth and his nose as he could feel himself gagging. The wind started blowing the smoke away revealing the dead and injured bodies that surrounded him. He started walking through the rubble that had been thrown everywhere from the power of the blast. Men were rushing around trying to get to the people crying in agony in order to help them in any way they could. Iain carried on walking, his body felt numb and he wasn't sure if this was a dream or not. He tried to remember what happened in the last five minutes but everything was just a blur. Iain froze when he seen a man who he barely recognised from the burns that covered his face lying in front of him. He knelt down and placed two fingers underneath his jaw. No pulse. Whoever he was: a friend, a husband, a father, a soldier. He had just been ripped away from his family and it was Iain's fault. Why wasn't he lying on the floor covered in burns? Why was he the one walking around alive? Why did he survive? Then he started to remember what happened. Naveed took him away from everyone else, and then he set the bomb off. Why him? Why did he protect him? Why didn't he stop him? He should've seen what he was going to do before it was too late. It's because of him that now people have lost everything, their families, their children, their wives. He didn't know what to do. He felt like a coward and he was to blame for everything. He stood up and took a deep breath ready to walk away but then he seen his friend Kenny who was at someone's side holding on to their arm. It barely even resembled an arm anymore; the fire had turned it to a deep shade of purple and red. He could hear Kenny saying, "It's all over now mate, you're safe." Kenny looked up at Iain, with fear and panic in his eyes. Iain could feel his heart pounding and his breath was becoming shallower. It was his fault. He'd done this. He made these people suffer. He made their families suffer. He had to try and help these people. It wouldn't be enough but it was something he could try to show that he tried to do something. He tried to save them but it wasn't enough. Stumbling, he joined Kenny's side. He ripped off some material that he found from some cloth behind him and he used it to cover the soldier's burns. It didn't do much, but it helped. He could feel Kenny's eyes burning into him. He knew what he was thinking. Why wasn't he one of these men lying on the floor? Why wasn't he hurt? How did he get out in time? It was fault this happened. No one else's. His. He did this._

Iain snapped back to reality when he heard Dixie calling his name.

"Iain mate, is everything okay?" She shouted.

He turned his head to look back at her but she was still checking the boy over. The thoughts were still running his through his head. He couldn't stop them. He took a deep breath and replied, "We've got a mother and child," he paused. "Both dead," he tried to hold back his tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Dixie pulled up outside the ED; Iain was sat in the back with the child which they covered with a light blue blanket. Iain hand his head buried in his hands and it was obvious that he had been crying from his red, puffy eyes. Ever since he had seen the two bodies lying there underneath the motor bike he couldn't stop the flashbacks to Afghanistan playing over and over again in his mind. Outside he could hear Dixie talking and then she opened up the ambulance revealing Connie, Louise and Robyn who stood there with empathy in their eyes as they watched on at Iain and the trolley.

"Right he's a young boy, mum's in the vehicle behind. They were both dead at the scene. There was nothing we could do. Massive chest trauma," Dixie paused letting them take everything in. "Crowds started to gather so the police asked us to move them. We need both deaths verified and then we can take them up to the morgue."

Connie nodded as she stepped up onto the back of the ambulance with Iain who hadn't moved from where he was sitting. He was just staring into space.

Dixie turned to speak to Louise and Robyn, "The police are going to want to talk to someone about this," she looked at the trolley then back at the two girls again. "Next of kin haven't been informed yet but I found some prescription meds on the mum," Dixie dug in her pocket and handed the crumpled piece of paper to Robyn. "That's her GP."

"Thank you," Robyn replied taking the piece of paper and reading over it carefully.

Dixie and Iain helped to wheel the two trolleys into the morgue. After, they started making their way back to the ambulance which was still parked directly outside the ED. As they were walking Dixie noticed that Iain hadn't said a word since they got on the ambulance and went to the hospital.

"You haven't said much, are you okay?" Dixie piped up.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just going to get a drink from the staff room," Iain pointed towards the staff room door just as they passed it, he started backing away towards it. "I'll catch you up in a bit."

"See you later," Dixie called back, leaving him to it. She knew that something like this would remind him of what happened so she understood that he needed some alone time.

As soon as Iain got into the staff room, he couldn't stop the emotions pouring out of him. The tears rolled down his cheeks as he started picturing the small boy trapped underneath the motorbike again. _He was so young. He had barely been given a chance at life. Why did he have to die? Why do innocent people get hurt and not the cowards who sit back and don't do anything to help?_ Then he could feel himself filling with rage as he starting thinking back to when _he_ was a coward. When _he_ stood back and watched and didn't do anything to help. When _he_ didn't stop Naveed from setting the bomb off. But _he_ didn't because _he_ is a coward. _He_ could have saved people, relieved their families of suffering if _he_ had actually done the right thing for once. But _he_ always messes it up. It was his fault that those people died that day. Not Naveed. Not anybody else's. His. Because _he_ didn't stop it from happening when _he_ could've. _He_ didn't do the right thing.

He leant his hands against the hand wall. His breathing was becoming more rapid as he could feel himself growing angrier by the second. With one swipe he pounded his fist into the wall causing him to groan in pain. He felt his whole body go numb as he slid slowly down the wall.

He sat with is back against the wall, his arms hugging his knees whilst he stared into space for about half an hour. He was just replaying everything in his head over and over again. Why didn't he stop Naveed from doing what he was doing? Each time he replayed it the worse it made him feel. Iain jumped out of his thoughts when he heard the door click shut. He watched as the small blonde woman walked in and sat down on one of the stools.

"I didn't think you were in today?" He spoke out, causing her to jump.

Rita turned in her seat so that she was facing him, tucking her hair behind her ears she replied, "You okay?"

Iain looked down and picked at the label on his jacket, "Yeah," he looked back up at her again. "Just needed a minute to myself that's all."

"You found the pedestrians didn't you?" She asked softly.

Iain didn't say anything, he just nodded. He didn't want to have to say it because when he had to say it, the images were planted in his head again. Rita let out a sigh and looked away from him.

"Right, I best get back," Iain said whilst lifting himself up from off the floor. He had forgotten that he bruised and cut his knuckles, he winced in pain but he tried to mask it. "Dixie will be on the warpath," he joked. Iain turned the handle ready to leave but Rita had already noticed his hand.

"What did you do to your hand?" She questioned him.

"It doesn't matter," he shrugged. He felt embarrassed, if he told her what happened she would probably laugh in his face and tell him that he was being pathetic and he should just move on because it was so long ago.

"Yes it does!" Rita made her way over to him and inspected his hand. "Come on, let's get you patched up."

"I don't want to cause a fuss," he shook his head.

"You won't be," she guided him to sit on one of the stools. "Right, I'm sure there's a medical bag in here somewhere." She started looking around the room and eventually found it by the dishwasher.

"Here we are," she breathed as she lifted up the bag and carried it over to where Iain was sat.

"There's honestly no need for you to do this," he hesitated. "It'll heal in no time. I don't need all this fuss; it's just a bruise and a couple of cuts."

"And what if it were to get infected?" Rita opened up the bag and started rummaging through it pulling out all the equipment she needed to clean the wounds. "How did it happen anyway?" She pondered.

"It doesn't matter," he looked away from her.

"Would you stop saying that? It does matter, I want to help you Iain," she looked straight into his green eyes before carrying on cleaning up the wounds which were causing Iain to wince as the alcohol brushed against them. "Sorry. Look Iain, it's only me and you in here, I'm not going to judge you. You can tell me, as long as you are comfortable with it," she spoke softly and smiled faintly at him.

"I got angry and upset," he paused. "After seeing them it just resurfaced things, I needed to let it out somewhere."

Rita nodded, taking everything in but still concentrating on dressing the wounds.

"And then I came in here. I just lost control, I don't know what came over me," he sniffed. Rita glanced up at him and she could see that his eyes were filling up. He stared back at her with a pained expression. They remained silent for a couple of minutes, just gazing into each other's eyes. Rita was the first to break away noticing that something she wouldn't want to happen would've taken place if she kept looking into his eyes.

"Right, well that's you sorted," she smiled. "Didn't take too long now did it?"

Iain just nodded back at her. She took hold of his other hand and squeezed it gently.

"I'm here, if you want to talk again," she offered. "Anytime."

Iain's eyes widened, surprised that she actually seemed to care about him.

"Thank you," he smiled softly back at her. Rita could feel her cheeks turn a light shade of pink. But, luckily for her Iain had already started making his way to the door so he didn't notice. He turned his head to look back at her one more time. "See you later," he let out. He waited for her reply before leaving her in the staff room to head straight back to the ambulance station.

After talking to Rita he felt a little lighter knowing that he had someone he could trust and someone who would be there to listen to him at any time. But despite this, he carried on having flashbacks and vivid images for the rest of the day. He didn't really want to be at work but then he didn't want to be at home either in case he did something that he might regret. He didn't really know what he wanted. He supposed he wanted to get away from everything and to stop these images playing over and over again in his mind. It had been over two years since the actual event took place. It had been over a year since he recovered and started getting back to his usual, old self again so why was this happening? Why was he feeling angry and frustrated again? Why was he feeling guilty again?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: TW – Self harm.**

 **Thank you for all your lovely reviews as well, it means a lot! Hope you enjoy :)**

 **Chapter 3**

Iain slammed the door shut as he entered the flat. He was glad to be home. Rummaging through his fridge he pulled out an ice-cold bottle of beer, he popped the lid off and gulped it down in one. _Why is this happening to me again?_ He suddenly felt a wave of anger surge through his body as he threw the bottle at the wall at full force. He watched the glass shatter across the floor. Trying to hold himself back from screaming until his lungs went dry; he dragged himself into his bedroom. He started to remove his clothes until he was just stood there in his boxers. He looked down at the scar that spread across his torso. Using his finger he traced over the line. He tried to shake the images flashing in his mind but he knew there was no point in trying, these thoughts would never leave. They will haunt him until the day he dies and he is going to have to live every single day and be reminded of what he did. He took a deep breath and pulled back his duvet covers; clambering into bed he shut his eyes tightly in the hope that he would drift off quickly. But an hour had passed and he was still wide awake, the thoughts swimming around in his mind. Then he remembered he still had sleeping pills stashed in his draw for when he works the night shifts and has to sleep all day. Digging through his bedside cabinet he pulled out the small white box. Inside was one packet of pills left. On the box it said to only take one but he knew one didn't even touch the sides, popping two pills from the silver sheet, he swallowed them dry. He closed his eyes and before he knew it he had drifted off into a deep sleep.

 _Iain woke up in a daze, a new day. Already? The sun was shining through the curtains and the birds were singing their songs. He could feel that today was going to be a good day and he was going to enjoy it. He jumped out of bed and stretched, letting all the joints crack. He skipped into the kitchen pouring himself a coffee; he slurped at it as the hot beverage burnt his tongue. He got changed and then he was at work. He joined Dixie in her office but she seemed to be giving him the cold shoulder. Confused by all this he decided to ask her up on it._

 _"Right, come on Dix. What have I done?" He grinned cheekily._

 _Dixie's faced filled with anger as she glared back at him, "Don't you realise? You've ruined everything. You've made innocent people suffer," she spat out at him._

 _"I…It…It wasn't my fault. I didn't…I didn't do anything," he stammered shaking his head._

 _Dixie was edging closer to him, making him feel uncomfortable. "Yes it is!" She gritted through her teeth._

 _All of a sudden Kenny, Naveed, Big Mac, Rita and the men who lost their lives that day appeared around the corner. They were all walking in unison, getting closer and closer to him. He could feel his chest getting tighter as he was feeling more claustrophobic. Nothing was making sense. Today was meant to be a good day. Now everything was going wrong. Just like everything does. The people nearing him seemed to be chanting something but he couldn't make much sense of it, but as they got closer and louder the things they were saying were becoming clear._

 _"It's your fault, you're the coward Iain. You should've stopped it."_

 _They were now surrounding him, shouting in his ears. He tried to cover them but it didn't stop the words sinking in. Iain suddenly collapsed on the floor screaming,_

 _"It's all my fault! I killed our mates! I'm the coward!"_

Iain jolted upright in his bed. His whole body was shaking and sweat was dripping down his forehead. He took a deep breath trying to calm the pounding in his chest. He pulled back the covers and stumbled into the kitchen to get himself a glass of cold water. He felt unsteady on his feet as he approached the tap. Slowly filling the glass up, he took a sip from it, letting the icy water trickle down his throat. As he looked up he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. _What has my life become?_ Then he could see them all. Standing behind him. Staring at him with their doll like expressions. Once again, they were edging closer to him. Iain could feel the hairs on the back of his neck springing up as a draught ran through the room. They were chanting again. But this time it was different. They were whispering. And they were saying something different.

"Just do it Iain, you're life's pointless anyway. What difference will it make? No one will miss you. It's what you deserve."

Iain spun on his heel, "What do you want?!" He shouted, his voice echoing in the empty room. They had disappeared. Gone, vanished into the darkness. He rubbed his with the palm of his hand in frustration. His eyes glanced down at the shards of glass that he smashed previously that evening. _No. Don't do it Iain. You don't have to do this. Just go to bed and sleep it off._ He thought to himself trying to get the idea out of his head. But his body was telling him something different. His hand reached out and grabbed the biggest and sharpest piece of glass he could find. He carried it in his palm as he sat down on the floor with his back against the wall. He stared down at his wrist then back at the sharp object. _I just want this to stop._ Tears were streaming down his face by now. He didn't want to do it but he needed to stop the pain; the nightmares; the voices. He shook his head. _No. You are stronger than this._ Standing up; the glass still in his hand, he walked over to the table and placed it on the table. He picked up his phone and scrolled through his list of contacts until it reached Rita. He dialled the number but there was no answer. He slammed the phone down angrily on the table making a loud bang. He looked over at the clock that hung on the wall. 3:00AM. _Why did I even try ringing her? I knew she wouldn't answer me._ He glanced back at the glass lying on the table, taking it in his right hand once again; he lifted it up and held it to his left arm. Which he twisted to reveal his wrist, he could see the old scars. His breathing started to become shallower as he was hovering his hand over his wrist. He could feel himself starting to shake as the glass got closer to his skin. It had started to pierce through his skin but he was interrupted by his phone buzzing against the table. His head twitched to look at it. Throwing the glass back down on to the table, he picked his phone up and held it to his ear.

"R…Rita? Is that you?" He stuttered.

"Iain? Why are you ringing me at this time in the night?" The voice answered back.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he paused. "It's just that you are the only person I can trust right now and I'm scared. And you told me that I can talk to you at any time." Iain's voice started to crack as he spoke.

"Iain what's happened?" Rita's tone was filled with panic.

Iain didn't answer.

"Right Iain, I'll be there as soon as I can. Just stay on the phone. I won't be long. I promise," she reassured him. He could hear her rummaging about on the other end.

Rita stayed true to her word and she had rushed to his flat in under five minutes. She was thankful that he didn't live too far away from her. Using the lift she got to Iain's floor. She tried knocking on the door but there was no answer and she couldn't hear any movement inside.

"Iain?" She called out. "It's me, Rita. Can you open the door please?"

Then, the door swung open. Iain was stood there still only in his underwear. Rita was taken by surprise but she stared deeply into his eyes, trying to read what was going on in his head. It was clear to her that he had been crying. She pushed her way past him, letting herself in. Once she heard the door click she turned to face him.

"What's going on Iain?" She asked softly, placing her soft hand against his cheek. He lifted his hand and rested it on top of hers. "I want to help you but you have to talk to me."

He shook his head, "You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me understand." She could see his eyes filling up again. Then he just broke down and collapsed to the floor. Rita fell to his side and held him in her arms, squeezing him tightly. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, I've got you," she whispered, comforting him. Rita found herself crying as she consoled her colleague who was just falling apart right in front of her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Rita held on to Iain until he stopped crying. He pulled away from her; his eyes red and puffy, he tried his hardest to avoid her eye; too embarrassed from making himself look weak and fragile in front of her. Iain suddenly felt a hand grip onto his own, lifting his head he stared back at her, confused.

"You don't have to feel embarrassed in front of me, you know," she spoke with a calm voice which made him feel at ease. "Come on, let's get you to bed. You look shattered." Rita heaved herself up from the floor, her hand still holding his. Iain mirrored her movements and was now at her side. She wasn't sure where his bedroom actually was so Iain had to guide her there, which made him chuckle slightly. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at his feet, letting out a deep sigh. Rita knelt down in front of him; she rested her hands on his knees and looked into his eyes. "You'll be okay, I'll help you. You just need to have a sleep and then we can talk in the morning." Iain nodded in response; listening to her he rested his head on the pillow and pulled the covers over him. After seeing that he was comfortable Rita went to go leave his room but was stopped in her tracks when she heard him calling her name.

"What?" She answered, turning around to face him.

"Please stay with me," Iain's voice sounded weak, very different from his usual self; bold and confident. Rita had never seen him this vulnerable before, she thought that yesterday was him at his worst but that was just the tip of the iceberg. She had never seen him like this before, he always acted so strong and in control of things but now he was asking her for help. She walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed; she took his hand in hers and squeezed it gently before using her other hand to run her fingers through his short, brown hair.

"Of course, I'll stay with you," she whispered.

Rita watched him as he slowly drifted off into a deep sleep. Carefully unwrapping her hands from his, she leaned over and her lips on his forehead. She then made her way out of the room, shutting the door behind her quietly. She started to wander around his flat, having a little nose at the pictures he had put up around the place. She headed into the kitchen and that's when she seen it. Glass had been shattered across the floor and there was water everywhere. She looked over and seen his phone lying on the table, with another shard of glass next to it. But this one was different; this one appeared to have blood traced along it. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as the thoughts raced through her mind. Picking up the glass she inspected it more. _What was he doing?_ Her ears twitched as she heard a faint noise in the distance. She quickly glanced over at Iain's bedroom but then it went silent again. Sighing, she carried the glass over to the bin and dropped it in. She then proceeded to clean up the rest of the kitchen before grabbing herself a blanket to curl up on the sofa and letting herself slip into her dreams. This was proven much harder due to the fact she couldn't stop worrying about Iain.

Beams of light hit Iain's face as his eyes prised open. Pulling himself to a sitting position on the bed, the memories of last night started to come back to him. Then he remembered. Rita. Was she still here? Jumping up from his bed, he rushed to the door and swung it open. He hurried into the kitchen to find her stood by the kettle swirling a spoon around in one of his mugs.

"You're still here?" He let out, surprised that she actually stayed. However, Rita took his statement in the wrong way.

"Oh, I can go if you want?" She replied, turning to get her stuff.

"No, no, no!" He answered quickly, causing her to stop and stare back at him; confused. "I didn't mean it like that. You don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Good," Rita folded her arms. "Because I need to speak to you."

Iain looked back at her, slightly worried. "What about?"

"Why did you really ring me last night? And don't lie to me or make up some excuse because I found the glass Iain," she took a step closer to him. "I know it's going to be hard to say it but I need to know what's going on. I'm really worried about you."

Iain's eyes darted around the room, trying to avoid answering her question but he knew he would have to answer her soon. "I…uh I…" he started. He could feel his heart rate increasing and he felt like he couldn't breathe, he had to admit everything to Rita. "I was going to…you know… harm myself. I don't know why. But I keep having these nightmares and I just want them to stop and go away." Iain's eyes were filling up again.

Rita let out a sigh; she was hoping her thoughts weren't true. "That's all I needed to hear," she spoke gently. She edged closer to him and wrapped her arms his neck holding him close to her. Iain felt safe in her arms. A safety he had never really felt before. There was something about Rita that made him feel comfortable and at home. After a couple of minutes, she pulled away from. "We're going to get you through this and I am going to be here for you every step of the way."

Iain had nothing to say, instead he just nodded. Rita knew that this was his way of accepting her help. She glanced over at the clock on the wall, 9:00AM.

"We should start getting ready for work," she said.

"You should go home and get ready; I don't want to hold you up. I'll be fine," Iain shook his head.

"No I can't leave you on your own, not after the state you were in last night. I'll leave when you leave," she replied sternly.

"Thank you, for last night as well. It means a lot," he smiled faintly.

"Well, what are friends for?" Rita joked, trying to lighten the mood but she noticed his smile fall slightly at the mention of 'friends'. Not wanting to think about it too much she grabbed her coffee and made her way into the living room where she sat down and watched some television.

Iain was left standing in the kitchen. _Friends?_ He was sure that what they had was more than just friendship.

 **A/N: Sorry this chapter is a bit shit, it's more of a 'filler' chapter to push the story on.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Later on that day, Iain was in work. Since talking to Rita, he hadn't really thought about the pedestrians he found and Naveed. Although, he couldn't stop thinking about her 'friends' statement. But, as the day dragged on and he was coming face to face with more people and they're problems causing them to be in danger he couldn't help but think about his own problems and worries. He was storing all these thoughts in the hope that he would never be left alone to actually think about them. However, it had reached lunchtime and Dixie volunteered to get him and herself some lunch, Iain offered to go with her; not wanting to be on his own. But she insisted that she didn't need a babysitter.

Iain was sat at the table with his eyes shut tightly trying to block out the memories but they kept replaying over and over in his head. Naveed taking him away from everyone else: walking away and revealing the bombs around his waist. Then a bright flash and he was being pushed back onto the floor; the screaming ringing in his ears. His mind started to wander to the other day, by the bus stop. The young woman and the very small boy lying underneath that motorbike, trapped.

His eyes shot open to stop the images flashing in his head. Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand to stop the tears. His head twisted round to the window that opened up to reveal the station. He furrowed his brow as he looked out to see a young boy, in a blue tracksuit in the distance. He squinted his eyes to try and make his vision clearer; as he looked more intently the boy seemed to be someone he recognised. Naveed. Standing up, he walked round the table and made his way outside but as he started walking closer to the boy, the boy was moving further away from his. Iain blinked slowly and as he opened his eyes again the boy had disappeared. He looked around at the rest of the station but he appeared to be the only one present. _Typical. Now I've gone crazy._ Iain walked back to the kitchen and leaned on the table. He glared out in front of him. He could feel his heart rate increasing and his breathing becoming quicker. Taking the cup of tea that stood in front of him, he launched it at the wall and let it shatter. _What is wrong with me?_ He thought to himself. He peered down at the stool next to him; he felt his blood boil with rage as he picked it up and threw it across the room. He was starting to feel slightly better, letting his anger out.

Half an hour had passed and Dixie finally made it back downstairs. As she walked in to the station she noticed that she couldn't see Iain through the window. Her feet started to pick up the pace as she could feel herself panicking slightly. She finally reached the door. Opening it, her eyes looked round and met with Iain who was sat in the corner of the room, tears streaming down his face. Most of the kitchen had been displaced. Dixie sighed, taking everything in. Placing their lunch on the table, she clambered over the mess and sat down next to Iain. She nudged him, snapping him out of his gaze.

"Go home Iain," she spoke out, empathetically.

"No," he snapped, shaking his head. "I need to work to keep my mind off things."

"And trashing this place is keeping your mind off things?" Dixie replied sternly.

Iain didn't say anything; he just looked up at her. He knew she was right, which hurt even more.

"Go on. I'll clean this lot up," her voice was softer this time.

Doing as he was told, Iain stood up and made his way into the locker room and got changed. He then said his goodbyes to Dixie before leaving her. As he was walking out of the station, he glanced over at the pub. He thought about it for a moment, thinking whether or not it would be a good idea. Coming to a quick conclusion he headed straight for it. He was in need of a drink; at least it would get his mind off everything.

A couple of hours passed, Iain was still sat in the pub. He had gulped his way through one too many pints by now and he could barely walk to the bar to order himself another drink. He was actually surprised that the barmaid served him, she probably only cares about the money she would be making from him anyway. As he sat down, glass in hand. He noticed the hospital staff were making their way in. _Great._ He watched them as they all piled their way in, ordering their drinks at the bar. Then he seen Rita, he tried to hide his face so that she wouldn't recognise him and he wouldn't feel the embarrassment. At first she didn't really take much notice but after a double take she realised it was him. She started to approach him, wondering how he got to the pub earlier than everyone else. As she got closer she clicked on that he was absolutely off his face.

"How much have you had to drink?" She asked, slightly shouting so that he could hear her over the bustle of the warm pub.

"What's it to you?" He replied rudely.

Rita was taken aback; she had never seen him this drunk before. Stepping forward, she hooked her arm in his and tried to heave him up to his feet but he wasn't co-operating.

"We should get you home," she struggled.

He shook his head, refusing to leave. But, after a few tugs and pulls from Rita, he finally gave in. She let him lean on her shoulder as they walked out of the pub and guided him back to her house, which was closer and she didn't fancy having to walk to his house especially with him pushing his body weight on her.

Stumbling through her front door, Rita half carried Iain into her living room where she firmly sat him down on the sofa.

"You stay here, I'm going to get you a glass of water," she told him before wandering off to the kitchen.

She came back two minutes later with a large glass full of water in her hands. She passed it down to Iain who was still sat there, staring into space. Iain took a gulp from the glass and placed it on the table in front of him; not taking his eyes off whatever he was glaring at.

"What have I become?" He asked out.

Rita looked over at him, confused as to what he was talking about.

"I'm such a mess. I get myself so drunk that I can barely walk just so I don't have to deal with what I did. All because I'm a coward," tears were brimming in his eyes as he spoke.

"You're not a coward Iain, you're one of the bravest people I know," Rita said gently, sitting down next to him on the sofa.

"I am though," his voice started to get deeper. "I let people die, whilst I stood there and watched."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault Iain."

"It was," he nodded furiously; looking back at Rita.

"What actually happened that day?" She asked.

Iain looked down at his shoes; Rita noticed that her question was making him comfortable.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that," she stood up to go leave but he took hold of her hand quickly, stopping her from going. Her eyes looked down at how her hand fitted into his perfectly; she felt her heart flutter slightly at the thought.

"No," he paused. "I need to tell someone what I did."

Rita sat down at his side again, ready to listen. Iain took a deep breath to brace him.

"There was this boy, Naveed; he was from Afghanistan. He would train with us now and again. He was a good lad. Did as he was told and we actually, surprisingly got on really well. We had no problems and everyone, including me trusted him. Until, he started to act a bit strange. I was the only one to pick up on it because I was the one that spent most of the time with him. But, I didn't ask him what was up. I didn't feel I needed to; it would probably be fine by next week. How wrong was I? Then on Thursday we were all out arm-wrestling, encouraging each other, having a laugh. We often did that to help us through those hard days. I looked over and I noticed Naveed was standing there, staring directly at me. He was smiling so I gestured him to come over and join us, I thought that was what he wanted to do but when he shook his head I made my way over to him. He must've thought training was today so I told him that it wasn't until tomorrow but he seemed to be taking me somewhere. He told me to wait behind the van. He didn't say why so I thought he was just doing another one of his pranks but I was wrong. I watched him as he walked away from me, he was unzipping his jacket. He looked back at me, as if he was trying to tell me something. Or to say he was sorry. I don't know. I was too confused. As he turned his head away from me he started running. He chucked his jacket onto the floor. He had about ten bombs wrapped around his waist. Next thing I knew I was being flung on to the floor from the blast. It all happened so quickly," tears rolled down his cheeks. This was the first time he had spoken about that day to anyone. Rita watched on, taking in all the information. She too had tears brimming in her eyes but she tried to keep it in, not wanting to undermine him by thinking she felt sorry for him because of what happened. "I could've done something but I just froze. I bottled it. I should've seen what he was going to do. The lads died because I'm a coward," he said in between sobs.

Rita took her arm and wrapped it around his shoulder, bringing him closer to her as he let it all out.

"It wasn't your fault Iain. You weren't to know what he was going to," she spoke quietly.

"But, I should've," he cried.

She started tracing circles on to his arm in an attempt to calm him down, he appeared to be working; slowly.

After about half an hour, Iain pulled away from Rita's grasp. He had more or less sobered up by now and he was all out of tears. He felt embarrassed by the fact he was crying on her shoulder but he felt a lot better after finally admitting to someone what actually happened that day.

"I should probably start making my way home," Iain gestured to the door.

"No," Rita let out, much quicker than she anticipated. "I mean, you're welcome to stay if you want. I don't mind." She could feel her cheeks burning; now she sounded desperate.

Iain's eyes widened at how fast she was to stop him from going. Then he looked down at the hand that was now resting on his. _Does she feel the same way?_ Iain saw this as an opportunity to find out. He slowly leaned his body into hers. Rita was slightly confused at his actions but as his face was edging closer to her own, she soon realised. She could feel her heart beating out of her chest as his breath crawled up her skin, giving her goose bumps; his short stubble brushing her soft cheek. Their noses pressed against each other. Her breathing was becoming more rapid as their lips were almost touching.


	6. Chapter 6

**TW: Mention of Self-harm.**

 **Chapter 6**

Rita's heart was pounding out of her chest; she wanted to kiss him back but she knew it would be wrong to take advantage of him, _especially_ with his feelings being all over the place recently. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.

"Iain, please no," she whispered. Iain was slightly taken aback, he squinted his eyes with confusion.

"I thought you felt the same?" Iain asked. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have put you in that situation. Why do I always mess things up?"

"It's my fault," she shook her head. "I shouldn't have led you on like I did. And it's not that I don't feel the same way. I care about you a lot Iain but with the way you are now, I don't think now would be the best time."

"So what you're saying is; you can't be with me because I have a problem?" Iain spat. He knew as soon as those words fell from his mouth, what he said was wrong. She was the only person willing to put up with him and help him and now he's gone and screwed it all up again.

Rita furrowed her brows, "I'm not saying that. I just think that rushing into a relationship would hurt you even more," she paused for a moment, still taking what he had said. This wasn't like him. "I think we're both really tired so why don't we sleep on it and we can talk in the morning?"

Rita stood up ready to leave the room but she felt a hand grip on to hers. She looked down at Iain; she could the tears brimming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," he spoke softly. "I need you in my life."

Rita nodded, accepting his apology; taking her other hand she traced circles on the back of his. She leaned down and placed her lips on his forehead.

"I'm sorry," she let go of his hand and started making her way out. As she reached the door frame, she stopped and turned to face him. "There's some bedding in the cupboard."

Iain couldn't even look at her, he was too scared. But, he nodded, showing her that he was listening. In the corner of his eye he could see her slowly walking up the stairs. Once, he heard her bedroom click shut, he let go of the breath he didn't realise he was holding in. He felt the tears dripping from his chin. _I love her._ He thought to himself. _And now I have gone and messed it all up. What's the point anymore? I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to have people worrying over me and looking after me. I killed people. I let people down. I'm the reason people are still suffering. Everything is my fault. I did this. Why did I even think she would be interested in me anyway? I'm a horrible person. I ruin everything. I've ruined whatever relationship we had. Now she's just going to leave me like everyone else does. My mum: my dad: Sam and now Rita. I don't blame them. I deserve to be on my own. But, better still. I deserve to be dead._

Rita woke up the next morning; she could feel herself worrying over Iain as he slept in the room underneath her. If she was feeling bad because of what happened then how was he feeling? Dragging herself out of bed, she walked downstairs expecting Iain to be sprawled out all over the sofa and snoring his head off. But, he didn't appear to be in sight. She made her way into the kitchen to see if he might've been there. She felt her stomach drop when she couldn't see him. _Where is he?_ She glanced over at the table where she seen a small, folded up piece of paper. Quickly snatching it in her hands, she scanned over the words.

 _Dear Rita,_

 _Sorry I had to leave so early this morning. I didn't want to deal with awkward goodbyes. I hope we can still be friends but if you never want to speak to me ever again, then I understand. I wouldn't want to speak to me either. Anyway, I'll probably see you in work later but if not then I'm sorry._

 _Iain_

She let out a sigh of relief. Everything was fine, hopefully. But what was he sorry for? He didn't do anything wrong. If anyone did anything wrong it would've been her for leading him on. Not wanting to think about last night anymore Rita placed down the piece of paper back down on the table, made herself a cup of coffee, got changed and made her way to work.

Rita hadn't seen Iain at all that day which did make her panic slightly but then she thought he was probably avoiding her, so he wouldn't have to think about what nearly happened. She slumped down in her office chair. Today hadn't been a particularly challenging day but with everything else going on she felt wiped out. She jumped out of her skin as she heard a loud knock. Just as she was about to open her mouth Dixie had already swung the door open. She looked scared and her eyes were filled with panic. Rita looked back at her, confused.

"What's wrong?" Rita asked, finding herself to grow panicked as well.

"Have you seen Iain?" She let out. "You took him home last night but I haven't seen him this morning."

"I thought he was here?"

"No," Dixie shook her head. "Do you have any idea as to where he could be?"

"Um, no. I don't know," Rita could feel herself welling up as the thoughts were spiralling through her mind.

"I'm worried about him Reet. He hasn't been himself recently and I know you two have been spending a lot of time together so I thought you might know," Rita made her way over to Dixie and sat her down in one of the chairs as she could see her friend growing more anxious by the second. "Has he said anything to you?"

"Last night, he tried to kiss me but I said no," Rita looked down at her feet.

"Right, do you think that could've tipped him over the edge. Has he told you anything else?"

"Um, he still feels guilty because of what happened in Afghanistan. Ever since he found those pedestrians it's brought everything back up and I've been trying to help him through it," she paused. "There's something else."

"What?" Dixie answered quickly.

"He phoned me up the other night at like three in the morning, he was in a right state so I put to bed and as I was looking round his flat there was some glass on the table with blood on it," Rita tried to hold back her tears. "I think he was going to harm himself Dix."

"Oh my god," Dixie ran her hands through her short blonde hair. "You don't think he would?"

Rita stared back at Dixie; they were both thinking the exact same thing. Without hesitation Rita grabbed her navy blue and jacket and was following Dixie outside.


	7. Chapter 7

**TW: Suicidal themes.**

 **Chapter 7**

As they made their way outside, Dixie started shouting out Iain's name in the hope that we would pop out from nowhere and all of this was just a little joke. But, there was no response. Rita was stood in the doorway of the entrance to the hospital; she pulled her jumper tighter across her body as a gust of wind sent a chill up her spine. Dixie looked back at her; water brimming in her eyes.

All of a sudden, a shriek of fear sounder behind Dixie, twisting her head to face the person who was screaming within a split second. There was a young girl who appeared to be glaring up at the roof of the building. Dixie followed her gaze and felt her stomach drop when she seen him. She turned to Rita but she had already gone.

Rita pushed her way through all the people. She felt like she couldn't breathe, her chest was tight and she could feel her stomach knotting. After what felt like forever she finally reached the long flight of stairs. Taking a deep breath she started making her way up to the top. Every step felt worse than the last, there was sweat pouring down her forehead and her legs felt like jelly. But she had to stop him; whatever it takes. After the last few levels Rita had made her way to the roof. She opened the door and stepped out. A cold breeze swept her hair up and blew it all over the place. She tried to calm down the frizz as best she could, and her eyes started to scan the edges in search of him. Had he gone already? Was she too late? Rita felt her body relax ever so slightly when she could hear Dixie calling his name. She followed the sound of her voice and she eventually found him. She slowly approached him, not wanting to startle him.

"Iain," she spoke softly. "It's okay, I'm here now. You don't have to do this."

Iain carried on looking out at the sky; he didn't need to look at who it was standing behind him. He already knew. "But I do. I don't deserve this life. I'm always letting people down. My mum, my dad, my sister, Dixie, now you," he replied.

"You haven't let me down Iain," she edged closer to him. "Please, let's just get inside we can talk about this."

"No. I need to do this. I deserve this."

"No you don't Iain, please," she begged him.

"I've killed people, I've made people suffer."

"No you didn't Iain, that wasn't your fault. No one knew what was going to happen you couldn't have stopped him."

"But I should've known," a single tear rolled down his left cheek. "I'm a coward."

"You've got to stop blaming yourself for what happened that day, you were a good soldier. You tried to save those people," Rita was now stood next to him. She could feel her stomach drop as she looked down at the floor.

"But they still died. Why didn't I die that day?"

"No one deserved to die that day, it's just what happened. That's life. Just when you think it's going pretty it smacks you in the face. You aren't the only one who feels guilty every single day of their life but we carry on. We show life that it can't stop us," Rita could feel herself welling up as she spoke. "Sometimes, we don't feel like carrying on. And that's perfectly normal. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of times I've wanted to end it. But I didn't. Do you want to know why? Because then life would win. Those people would win. I didn't want that."

Iain felt Rita's fingers brush against the back of his hand, the contact between them sent goose bumps up his arm. He turned to face her; he stared deeply into her eyes, taking in everything she was saying.

"Please don't," she barely got out between the sobs.

Iain raised his hand and moved a strand of her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. Rita wrapped her arm around his waist, pulling herself in closer to his body. Her head was rested on his chest while his fell to her shoulder. Rita felt her body relax as she carefully backed away from the edge. Iain let go of his emotions in her embrace. There was something about Rita that made him feel comfortable, like he could tell her anything, be in any emotional state in front of her and she wouldn't judge him; whatever the situation was.

Later on that day, Rita and Iain were sat in the ambulance station. Iain was lying down with his head rested on Rita's stomach, while her fingers ran through his short brown hair.

"I'm sorry if I let you down," he spoke out, filling the empty room.

Rita immediately stopped playing with his hair and looked down at him.

"You haven't let me down, not in the slightest. You've actually done the opposite, I'm proud of you."

Iain hauled himself up from his position so that he was sat next to her; he stared into her deep, dark, brown eyes.

"But I was going to end it all today; I was going to leave you…"

"But you didn't," she interrupted. "Iain, you are the bravest man I know. You'll go charging into burning buildings and put yourself in dangerous situations just so you can come out of there and say that you saved a life. You might not feel brave right now but the fact that you turned to someone to get help, that's a whole new level of brave. I am so proud of you even though you might disagree," she gently smiled at him.

Tears rolled down Iain's cheeks as he processed every word that came out of her mouth.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked.

"Because," she paused. "I care about you Iain, a lot. I want to be there for you. No matter what," Rita took hold of his hand and squeezed it tightly. "Why did you choose to speak to me? Why not Dixie?"

"I trusted you; you didn't judge me when I told you about everything. You listened to me and let me speak. You didn't tell me to get over it because it was such a long time ago like everybody else. That's why."

Rita could feel his eyes burning into her, she wanted to look back at him but she knew what would happen if she did. She wanted to kiss him but she didn't want to mess around with his feelings especially when he's been feeling so fragile at the moment. Instead, she stood up which received a weird look from Iain. She turned to face him, knowing that the tension had fizzled out by now.

"Cup of tea?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Right, this is your bed for tonight, if you need anything I'll just be in the room next door," Rita spoke as she led Iain into her spare bedroom.

Iain looked around the small room taking in his surroundings; the bed sat in the middle and took up most of the space, the walls were painted a cream colour and the smell reminded him of Rita; a sweet waft of roses with a hint of spice. He took a deep breath as he turned to look at her.

"Thank you, for everything you have done for me today and in the past couple of weeks, it really means a lot," Iain spoke, his voice starting to crack.

Rita picked up on his atmosphere and edged towards him, taking his hand in hers. "What else was I going to do? Leave you? I couldn't ever do that, you mean too much to me," she stared into his eyes. She could feel herself welling up; closing her eyes she stopped herself and took a step away from him. "I'll see you in the morning," she smiled softly before leaving him to stand alone.

 _You mean too much to me. You mean too much to me._ Those words played over and over again in his mind whilst he tried to get to sleep. If he meant so much to her why would she back out of the little moments they shared? Was she scared? But, scared of what exactly? Scared of me? Scared that I was going to hurt her? I need to speak to her. He pulled back the covers and headed towards the bedroom door. He started to make his way out he remembered that he was only in his boxers but then she's seen him in worse states than this, what's a pair of boxers going to do? He walked into the kitchen, where he found her sat at the table, a full bottle of vodka right in front of her. She stared at it as though she were thinking whether to have it or not. What was wrong? Iain coughed making her jump.

Rita looked up at him, she grabbed hold of the neck of the bottle and hid it under the table, hoping that he hadn't noticed, but he clearly had by the look on his face.

"What are you doing?" Iain asked, stepping towards her.

"Nothing," she replied, avoiding his eye contact.

"Why did you hide the bottle so quickly?" He sat down directly opposite to the blonde woman.

"You surprised me, that's all," she lied.

"Please don't lie to me, not after everything I've told you. I'm not going to judge you Rita, just, tell me what's going on," Iain rested his palm on the back of her hand.

Rita looked up at him, she could feel her cheeks turning red, "I don't know. I just wanted to take my mind off things I suppose. I mean everything that happened today and seeing you, in so much pain that it lead you to contemplate life, I just hated seeing you like that. And I really want to help you but there's only so much I can do and I just feel like a failure because I can't support you Iain and I want to but I don't know what to do," by this point the tears were rolling down her cheeks.

Iain cupped her cheek in his hand, "Everything you have done for me has made me feel so much better, from the way you squeeze my hand to the way you make a cup of tea," he chuckled. "Rita, you have been there for me in ways that nobody else has and you didn't run away from me because you were scared, you stuck by me and helped me and I am so grateful for that. But, do want to know something else? All that help and time has made me realise that I am in love with you Rita Freeman and I want to be with you." Iain's face dropped as the sudden realisation of what just came out of his mouth hit him like a tonne of bricks.

Rita's eyes widened as she processed his words, she loved him too. But was she ready for a relationship? Was she ready to commit to another person? Was this what she wanted? She was scared, that's for sure. She needed to sleep on it. She pulled her hand away from underneath his.

"I'm sorry Iain," she whispered before rushing off to her room where she let everything go. All that emotion that she had built up in the past couple of weeks was now catching up on her and she couldn't stop it. Outside, she could hear Iain standing up and sloping off back to his room. She listened as he flopped down onto his bed. She felt so guilty but she was just worried. She hadn't been in a proper relationship since Mark. Of course she had flings and one night stands, both with men and women. But, she had never felt this deep, nagging feeling to be with someone since Mark. She was certain that these feelings she had for Iain were much stronger than the ones she had for Mark. Her mind started to wander as the memories that she tried so hard to forget were now crawling around on her mind; the girl, the court case, the lies, the drinking, the deceiving, the guilt and the feeling of never being good enough. Then she realised, that's how Iain must be feeling. _Well I've gone and totally screwed that one up now._ She thought to herself. She not only ruined the relationship they could've developed but their friendship might be in the bag and all.

In the next room, Iain was back to lying his bed staring up at the ceiling. He really wants to be with Rita but his stupid mouth has just ruined everything. If he kept it shut, she might not have rushed away from him. Great, any chance he ever had with Rita has just gone out of the window. He just wants someone to snuggle up to at night, someone who will he can hold on to and never let go of. But, now, that little opportunity he had has just gone, because of his stupid mouth.

The next morning consisted of awkward hellos between the pair; they couldn't look at one another in the eye even though they so desperately wanted to. It was only at the table when Rita decided to speak up.

"Iain," she paused waiting for him to look up at her.

Iain lifted his head, this was it. She was going to tell him that she loves him back and they can finally be together.

"Last night," Iain's face dropped slightly, her voice didn't sound hopeful. "I thought it was best if I phoned Ben Harding and booked you an appointment, I know it's probably the last thing you want to hear and I know that seeing a professional can make you seem weak but I want to see you get better Iain and I think this is the best way, I hope you can understand that."

Iain looked down at his toast, at first he felt angry. How dare she organise his own life but as she explained the thought of it terrified him. The last time he had seen a psychologist was about his PTSD and that didn't really go down well. He had only made it to one appointment and after that he was too scared to go again. If he was to agree to see this Ben Harding it would have to be on his conditions and not anytime soon.

"When is it?" He asked, trying not to show his anxiety about the subject.

"It's today," she stopped as Iain's body tensed. "I'm sorry it was the only free time he had and you probably would've had to wait another two weeks and I really feel that you need this now."

"I really wish you asked me first," he could feel his breathing getting deeper as he filled with rage.

"I'm really sorry Iain, I was just trying to help," she looked down at the table, tears welling up in her eyes, another failure on her part.

"And me just seeing a psychologist is just going to fix things? It takes way more than that Rita."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, well you thought wrong," he interrupted before storming out of the kitchen. He hated shouting but he just couldn't help it. He didn't want to go and he was annoyed at her for trying to run his life for him.

Rita let out a breath before standing up from the table and making her way into the living room where Iain had sat down on one of the sofas.

"Iain," she spoke quietly. "If you're scared, I can always go with you. You don't have to do this on your own."

He turned his head to look at her. How can he be angry with that face? He could feel a lump in his throat, he really did love her. If only she felt the same way.

"Please," he let out, feeling slightly more relaxed about the whole thing, knowing that she would be by his side.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Rita and Iain sat outside Ben Harding's office. The corridor was busy which helped to keep Iain distracted but didn't stop him thinking about the time that was fast ticking away. He could feel himself shivering, he thought it was because the corridor was cold but when Rita complained about being too hot he realised it was just his nerves. For reassurance, Rita entwined her fingers with his which made him slightly more at ease. He was so glad she offered to join him because he knew that if he went to this appointment on his own he wouldn't have been able to cope and we would've gone home and tucked himself under his covers; too afraid of having to face up to his problems to a complete stranger. Rita used her thumb to stroke his finger to try and calm him in any way possible.

"I don't think I can do this," Iain spoke out, the nerves getting to him.

"Yes you can," Rita responded, looking up to him. "I'll be right by your side, just relax and tell him exactly how you feel. He isn't going to judge you; he's going to help you. I promise."

"I know, but I can feel this knot in my stomach and it's just eating away at me. What if I freeze or stutter or something and he can't form a good diagnosis so he's starts treating me for something completely different?"

"He won't he's aware of what happened yesterday, besides he's probably seen thousands of patients way more nervous than you. And, words from Connie he's a decent bloke. Just remember to take deep breaths and you can get through this," Rita tried her hardest to reassure him but she couldn't tell if it was helping, she could only assume.

Iain nodded, knowing that she was right. He looked up at the time, 9:59, his appointment was at 10. He took a deep breath; his body tensing at the same time. Rita picked up on this and squeezed his hand gently just to remind him that she was here too. She felt his body jump when the door to Ben Harding's office creaked open.

The bearded man poked his head round the corner, a soft smile spread across his face, "Iain Dean?" he called out.

Iain looked at Rita who nodded and pulled him up with her as she stood up.

"And you might be?" The man looked Rita up and down.

"I'm Iain's friend, I'm just here to support him," she replied.

"I'm afraid, in order for me to get the right assessment; I need to speak to him on his own; sorry. You're welcome to join future sessions but this initial assessment needs to be just him."

Rita watched as Iain's face dropped and his body tensed even more than it already was.

"That's fine, I understand," Rita turned to Iain. "I'll wait out here for you, you can do this Iain."

Iain shook his head, "I can't I need you to be there with me."

"Just pretend I am, pretend you're talking to me. Close your eyes," Iain did what she said and shut his eyes tightly. "Imagine that we are in my house, we're curled up on the sofa together and I'm running my fingers through your hair whilst you tell me what happened in Afghanistan and why that has affected to day. Imagine you are just speaking to me and it will be over quicker than you think. And remember I'll just be outside that door, if you feel that it's all getting too much come to me and I will be here to hold you and to tell you that…"

Iain opened his eyes, "Tell me what?" he wondered.

"Tell you this," Rita leaned up her lips almost touching his, the fire in her stomach started to roar as she could feel his breath run along her skin. His short stubble scratched her chin, sending her chills down her spine. This was it. Iain was in shock at how close they were now. Then, he responded by placing his lips on hers, his hand travelling to the back of her neck pulling her closer and deepening the kiss that they were now finally sharing. She tasted so great. The faint flavour of strawberry from the lipstick she had put on not long ago powered through. Rita could feel her heart beating out of her chest. This was what she was scared of for so long; something that filled her with warmth and excitement. This was the moment she realised that she was properly in love with Iain and she really wanted to be with him. She could feel Iain running his tongue along her bottom lip, as though he was asking permission. But, suddenly remembering they were standing in the middle of a corridor she slowly pulled away from him, not breaking their moment by keeping their faces close together. Iain rested his forehead on to hers; his breathing out of control. Rita felt dizzy from the buzz. _Did that really just happen?_ They both thought to themselves. Rita had spent so long trying to fight the temptation of him but this time she just couldn't stop it. She had to show him that she wanted him just as he wanted her. Rita bit her lip to stop herself from smiling too much at the fact that she had finally admitted her feelings for Iain, not through words but through actions. And the best kind of action. She then looked deep into his bright, green eyes, trying to read them. They seemed to twinkle and dance in the light and they were full of passion.

"Now go in there and show him what you are made of," Rita whispered before pecking him on the lips on more time before breaking their position and stepping away from him.

Iain fixed his hair and smartened himself up before turning back to Ben Harding who had been watching the whole time with a raised eyebrow. Iain turned back to Rita and watched as she mouthed the words "I love you."

"Some friend," Ben chuckled before closing the door and leaving Rita out in the corridor to think over what had just happened.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Rita had been sat outside for quite a while. She couldn't get the images off her mind; how close the pair stood together, their lips sliding across one another whilst his fingers lightly ran through her hair. She was surprised at how passionate they had been considering they were standing in the middle of a corridor with at least twenty pairs of eyes gazing on at them. But then she thought; _what if it hadn't been in public? What would've happened then?_ She tried to shake those thoughts by concentrating on the people who surrounded her, taking in their movements and learning of their habits. But, whatever she tried to do the thoughts still snaked their way in somehow.

Rita jumped out of her skin when she heard the office door squeak open followed by two male voices. She recognised Iain's straight away and immediately picked up on how much happier he had sounded. Either he was putting it on so he could leave quicker or because Ben Harding actually helped in some way. However, she knew he wanted to get better so he wasn't going to fake being happy. She grabbed her bag and stood up to join Iain. He and Ben were still talking but he couldn't help steal a look at Rita every so often. She'd smile politely back at him but there was something in his face telling her that he was eager to speak to her.

"Thank you for coming to see me Iain and I'll see you next week for your next appointment?" Ben finished holding his hand out for Iain to shake it.

Iain lifted his hand and took hold of Ben's and shook it vigorously, "No, thank _you_! It's only the first session and I'm feeling better already which is a surprise, I didn't think I would." He let his hand drop.

"Well, I don't think it was just me who cheered your mood," Ben replied, tilting his head towards Rita who was now reading the displays even though she had read them too many times and was frankly getting sick of seeing the same ones over and over again, he then looked back at Iain. "I hope it works well between you two."

"I hope so too," Iain beamed. "Right, best be off, my shift starts in an hour, thank you again."

"You're welcome," he smiled back before turning round and closing the door behind.

The sound of the door clicking caused Rita to lift her head once again, _great, now I have to talk to him._ She thought to herself. They shared an awkward look before Iain walked over to join her.

"I think we need to talk," he spoke out.

Rita didn't reply, she just nodded and they headed in the direction of the ambulance station.

When they arrived, the place was practically empty; there might have been a major RTC or something worse but Iain was thankful for the peace so that him and Rita could talk alone.

Rita sat down on one of the stools and looked out at Iain. They remained silent for a while, neither of whom knowing what to say.

"So," she broke the silence. "Where do we start?"

"Uhh, well," Iain stuttered. "We kissed." He giggled, he sounded like a teenager with a crush. Watching him, Rita allowed herself to smile.

"Yeah, we did," she nodded.

"So what happens now?" Iain asked edging closer to her.

"You tell me," she replied.

"Well, we've got about an hour until our shift starts," he winked but then felt a swipe to his right arm.

"Is that all you think about?" Rita chuckled. "When you said we needed to talk I thought you meant to actually talk about us and maybe you'd ask why I kissed you and if we are ready for a relationship just yet?"

"Well, I was just trying to break this awkward silence," he smirked.

"Yeah right," she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, why did you kiss me?"

"Because, I've wanted to for so long now and I keep wimping out of it at the last second but today felt right, I don't know why. It just did," Rita could feel herself blushing slightly. "But, Iain there is something I want to ask you."

"What is it?"

"Are you ready for all of this? I mean with everything that has happened are you sure this is the right thing?"

"What?" he took a step back. "I am more than ready! Did you know, the first time I met you I wanted to ask you out for a drink but I was too scared because I didn't even know your name."

"Really?" Rita's voice pitched higher slightly as she took in what he said.

"Yes, and then I went away for a bit before coming back for Jeff's funeral and then I seen you and those feelings came back again but I thought with everything going on with Jeff I needed to be there for Dixie. I tried to forget about you and I did but that other week in the staff room when you were fixing my hand up and talking to me I just, I felt a real connection between us. I mean, I had always thought you were never interested in me because you were good friends with Ash and I'd watch you flirt with Cal at the bar. But, you have supported me in every way possible and it made me realise that maybe you felt the same way too so that's why I kept trying to kiss you but kept turning me down so I thought maybe I'm just pushing my luck here and…"

He was interrupted by Rita's lips crashing into his own, his hands travelled to the back of her neck as he pulled her closer to him. Rita's fingers fumbled over Iain's blue shirt buttons as she started to undo them. She let her hands roam over his toned body, which sent Iain shivers all over his body.

Rita pulled away from him, barely able to open her eyes, "Where can we go?" she whispered.

A smirk grew across his face, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Rita nodded, "I've never been so sure of anything in my life, I want you Iain Dean," she replied seductively.

"Right well, there's the ambulance, Dixie's office, the locker room, your choice?"

"Where's where we're most likely to not get caught."

"Hmm, they're all pretty risky but Dixie's office is our best option," he winked.

Rita took hold of shirt and dragged him in the direction of her office; she kept him close, and giggled in between kisses. Encircling her hips Iain lifted her up and placed her on top of Dixie's desk. Iain started to tug at the bottom of top and pulled it up over her head, revealing a black, lacy bra. He looked at her, admiring the perfect curves of her body. His lips started to wander down her neck and along her chest. Rita's heart pounded as her eyes flickered; she had never felt this way with a man, not even Mark. There was something about Iain that fired her up.

Half an hour later, Rita and Iain were getting dressed, both their hair sticking up at every angle possible. This had definitely been a first for Rita, she always thought of herself as being quite a romantic and doing things properly, but Iain was a completely different story, he made her feel young and dangerous. Once Iain had buttoned up the bottom of shirt he took Rita by the waist and sat down on the edge of the desk; allowing Rita to stand in between his legs.

"How about," he pecked her on the lips. "Round three?" His eyes twinkled in the light.

"Hmm, I would love to stay but I have this thing called work which I need to get to because my shift starts in fifteen minutes," she replied sarcastically. "Besides, I think we need to clean the place up before Dixie catches us."

Iain nodded, "That's true. But…"

"But nothing Iain," she interrupted. "Now come on, help me clean this place up."

Iain sighed but did as he was told and joined Rita in making Dixie's office look just the same as it had been before they trashed it. Just as they had finished they heard Dixie walking down the hall. Panicking, they looked at each other wondering what excuse they could come up with.

"What do we do?" Iain whispered quickly.

"Just say I needed to use the phone," she replied.

"Wh…" Iain didn't even have chance to answer Rita before Dixie swung the door open.

She looked suspiciously up at the pair standing in the middle of the office.

"Why are you in my office?" She asked, eyeing them up and down.

"Uh, Rita needed to use the phone," Iain let out.

"Right, but where's your phone?" She glared at Rita, trying to suss her out.

"It ran out of charge whilst I was waiting for Iain earlier," Rita lied.

"Okay," Dixie wasn't sure of what to make of them two. She looked at Iain whose cheeks had turned a light shade of pink. "How did it go earlier? You seem better."

"Yeah, it was really helpful I'll be seeing him again next week," Iain was thankful for the change in conversation.

"Well, I best be getting to work," Rita interrupted heading towards the door. "Thanks, for letting me use the phone. I'll see you later yeah?"

"No problem, see you later," Dixie replied watching her leave.

As soon as Rita got out of the office she buried her head in her hands, what had she done?

"I best get changed," Iain pointed towards the door, eager to leave so he could dodge Dixie's questions.

"Not so fast, young man," Dixie called. Iain muttered under his breath but walked back to Dixie.

"Are you and her?" she raised her eyebrow.

"No, no, she just needed to use the phone, I swear to you Dix," Iain denied everything. If he was going to be with Rita he wanted to be a secret at first, at least then if it doesn't work out nobody will know.

"Right, it's just that you seemed embarrassed and I noticed you were blushing," she smirked. "So, if nothing is going on, like you say there isn't. It's obvious you like her just go for it."

Iain was slightly taken aback; did Dixie just really fall for their lies? "Right, okay, thank you Dix but can we just keep this between us two please? I don't want everyone knowing I fancy the Clinical Nurse Manager," he laughed nervously.

"Your secrets safe with me," she winked. "Now go, ask for a drink after work or something."

Iain turned to walk towards the door but stopped when Dixie called his name, "Yeah?" he replied looking back at her.

"I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, this is only the beginning though, you aren't going to be magically fixed after one session. I know that for sure. Just keep going to them and I'm sure you'll get there and maybe this thing with Rita will help you too."

"Thank you Dixie," he smiled leaving her in her office.

It wasn't until he was outside that he realised what Dixie had said.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 **I am so sorry for this extremely late update! I didn't really know what to do with this story but I thought of an idea today so I thought I'd go with it. Enjoy!**

A couple of weeks had passed since Iain's first session with Ben Harding; he was really starting to see the difference. He wasn't having as many nightmares as he used to and he wasn't having any flashbacks anymore. That didn't stop him thinking about that day though. However, Ben had taught him to look at it in a better light. It wasn't his fault, he didn't force Naveed to do what he did; Iain had tried to help him if anything. The only person to blame for that day was Naveed; he was the one who set the bombs off not Iain.

His and Rita's relationship had been going well too. Not everybody knew about them yet, they didn't feel ready. But of course Dixie knew and Zoe had made her assumption ages ago, however both of them trusted the two not to go spreading it around the hospital. The only problem with keeping their relationship a secret was finding the time to spend with each other without anybody seeing them. That's why they loved days off the most; they would go to one of their houses and spend the whole day doing something they really enjoyed. Whether that was baking cakes, going kayaking or just snuggling up on the sofa and watching films all day. Every opportunity they would get to spend time with each other, they would make the most of it.

All in all, Iain's life was going pretty well; until one morning.

"Iain?" Rita sat up. "Iain was is it?"

Iain was hunched over, the ball of his left hand wiping away the tears forming in his eyes. In his other hand he held his phone. Rita shuffled closer to him, resting her chin on his shoulder whilst her left hand squeezed his arm and the other traced circles on his naked back.

"What's happened sweetheart?" she asked him softly, lifting her head to look at him.

Iain took a deep breath, "That was my, uh, my sister on the phone."

"Right," Rita encouraged him, not taking her eyes off him the whole time.

"My mum is in hospital," he paused; he turned to look at her. "She's dying Reet."

Rita blinked, trying to think of what to say next, after a couple of minutes she finally spoke.

"What do you want to do?"

Iain shook his head, "I don't know, I...I haven't spoken to her in years. Not since I left to go train for the army."

"What did your sister say?" she questioned him. She needed to know what was going on before making any drastic decisions.

"She's got cancer, it's terminal. They don't know how long she's got left." He tried to fight back the tears but he couldn't stop a few escaping.

Using her thumb, Rita wiped them away, "Then we go see her."

"But, what if she doesn't want to see me? The last time we spoke I told her that I hated her and I never wanted to see her again. I'm scared Rita. She's dying. I don't want to ruin those last precious days or even hours she has left," Iain sobbed.

Rita pulled him into her embrace, "Iain trust me. She is not going to hate you, if anything; she's going to be grateful that you came to see her. Use this time to put aside your differences and say you're sorry now because you aren't going to get this chance again. Believe me when I say that, I wish I had this chance."

Iain pulled himself away to look at her, "Thank you."

She smiled, "Right, you go have a shower and I'll phone Connie and Dixie up to explain that we can't come in."

Iain frowned and shook his head, "You don't have to come with me."

Rita took hold of Iain's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, "I want to."

Iain leaned over, cupping Rita's cheek in his hand. He pressed his lips against hers, feeling the warmth made his skin tingle. Rita responded by deepening the kiss, running her hands all over his back. No matter how many times she kissed this man, he still made her heart race. Remembering the situation, Rita pulled away slowly.

"Go for a shower," she pecked him once more before pushing him away.

Iain did as he was told and left Rita in the bedroom. She waited for the faint sound of running water before she grabbed for her phone and dialled Connie's number, knowing that she was going to be the most difficult to persuade. Surprisingly, Connie – even though she wasn't fussed the idea – was understanding and didn't really question why Rita was with Iain. Rita explained that they might be away for a couple of days but she promised that she'd ring later to finalise everything. The next one to tackle was Dixie and luckily Dixie didn't have a problem. As soon as Rita mentioned that Iain was upset Dixie said that he could take the rest of the week off if he wanted to.

As Rita finished up on the phone she looked down at her home screen. It was a picture of her and her dad from when she was thirteen. She could feel a lump in her throat as she thought back to the day it was taken, she missed him so much. She took a deep breath and shook her thoughts away. Placing her phone on the bedside table, she scrambled out of bed. She got changed into her clothes and began to pack a small bag of clothes and essentials for her and Iain.

After getting everything ready she went downstairs and made breakfast for the both of them. A couple of minutes later, Iain joined her, looking a little bit brighter than he did before.

"Erm, my sister just text me saying that we could stay at hers when we go down there," Iain spoke, picking at his egg with his fork.

"She doesn't have to do that, I would've booked us a hotel or something," Rita replied, not really touching her food either.

"It'll be nice to see her," Iain smiled as he thought of his sister. "And she can't wait to meet you."

"I can't wait to meet her either. From what I've heard she's a pretty wonderful woman," Rita winked. She noticed the tears forming in Iain's eyes again; she leaned over the table and placed her hand on his. "It's going to be okay Iain. You've got me."

"I'm sorry," he sniffled. "I'm being pathetic."

"No you're not," Rita stood up and walked over to him. "Come here." She sat down on his lap and hugged him tightly.

An hour later, Rita was checking over everything, making sure they had everything. Clothes, toothbrushes, food and water for the car ride. Iain just waited by the front door whilst she rushed around. If this was any other situation Rita would've had a go at him for moping about but she understood how he was feeling. Satisfied that she had got everything, she guided Iain into the car and put their stuff on the back seat. She got in on the driver's side and began their five hour journey to Cornwall.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"This it?" Rita asked, pulling up outside Iain's sister's house. They decided that it'd be better to drop their stuff off at the house before going to the hospital.

Iain nodded, he continued to stare out of the window like he had done for the entire journey. Rita reached over and gently brushed the back of his hand.

"Shall we, uh, take our stuff in then?" She unclipped her seatbelt and opened the car door. She gathered the rest of the stuff whilst Iain made his way towards the house.

His sister came bounding out of the house, "Oh Iain," she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Rita watched on politely as the two reconciled. His sister pulled away and glanced at Rita with a faint smile.

"You must be Rita," she offered her hand out. "It's lovely to finally meet you. Iain doesn't shut up about you whenever we talk on the phone."

Rita blushed slightly, "It's great to meet you too Jane and likewise," she shook her hand gently.

"Well, let's take your stuff in shall we? Get you both settled before we make our way up to the hospital. Oh and the kids will be here soon Paul has just taken them to the park, hopefully they'll sleep on the journey up there and won't kick up that much of a fuss," Jane turned and gestured towards the front door.

"Iain told me you had kids, how old are they?" Rita asked, slightly intrigued. She loved children but never really had an opportunity to think about having them. Mark never wanted children, he always told her that she would make a terrible mother and well, Iain, it was way too early on in their relationship to even think about moving in together properly let alone thinking about having children.

"Ella's six and as you can imagine she bosses about her little brother Daniel, who is the spitting image of Iain," Jane smiled sweetly, feeling quite proud.

Rita chuckled, "I can imagine."

She then continued to follow Jane through to the spare bedroom where she dumped their stuff at the bottom of the bed. Iain just dragged his feet through the room until he slumped down onto the bed. Rita waited until Jane had disappeared before shutting the door and turning to Iain.

"Talk to me Iain," Rita spoke, with a slight demanding tone in her voice. "We have just spent the last five hours in silence. Please, just speak to me. Tell me what's going on up there," she gestured to her head.

Iain didn't reply; he just carried on staring down at the floor. Rita sighed and knelt down in front of him, placing her hands on his knees.

"Please Iain, you can trust me and you know that," she paused. "I can't have you going back to that place again, all you have to do is tell me how you are feeling and I might be able to help you. I'm no Ben Harding but I can try," she took hold of his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

Iain blinked slowly, "I…do…I…uh…I don't know…what to say to her. I haven't. I haven't seen her in ten years and I'm scared what she's going to think of me and what she's going to say to me. She probably hates me Rita and it's all my fault and I..." tears began to form in his eyes. "I'm being pathetic aren't I?"

"No," Rita breathed. "It's perfectly normal to feel like that but you aren't to blame, sweetheart. Families fall out all the time, people say they hate each other but no one really means it, it isn't your fault Iain. And to be honest, I think she's going to be happy that she's finally seeing you again…"

"You don't know my mum," Iain shook his head, interrupting her. "She pushed my father away; I didn't even know who he was, not even now. And then she would come home every week with a different bloke and they would just stare at you like you're nothing or they'd be surprised to see us waiting for her at the doorstep. It was clear that they were after her for one thing. That's why I went into the army. I had enough, it was just me in the house after my sister left and my mum blamed me for it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I thought that if I'd joined the army then if I died, well it wouldn't really matter then would it?"

Rita bit her lip, processing what Iain was telling her, "I don't really know what to say except that you need to put the past behind you. Your mum is dying in hospital whether you like it or not. I want you to go into that hospital with your held high, I want you to hold her hand and say that you love her because at the end of the day you are her son and at this moment she needs you Iain. And if it's getting too much, I'll be here for you, just give me a little nod and I'll be at your side straight away, okay?"

Iain let out a faint smile and nodded, "Thank you," he said quietly. He honestly didn't know what he'd do without Rita sometimes. She always knew what to say; even though she can put it harshly sometimes it's just what Iain needed to keep him on the right track.

"Come here," Rita whispered, standing up and holding her arms out. Iain lifted himself and allowed Rita to take him in her arms and hug him tightly. With a deep breath he took in her smell and felt himself relax in her embrace. Rita pulled away placing a chaste kiss on his cheek before looking into his eyes; returning to her normal height.

Iain moved a lock of her blonde hair and neatly tucked it behind her ear. His hand rested on his cheek as he leaned forward and placed his lips on hers. Rita's own hand cupped his cheek and pulled him closer to her; deepening the kiss. Iain's fingertips began travelling down her body, carefully slipping off her light brown leather jacket and dropping it to the floor. Rita broke from the kiss for a split second so she could swiftly pull Iain's navy t-shirt off, showing his perfectly toned body underneath. She gently dragged her nails along his skin causing him to shiver. Iain started tracing kisses along her jawline and down her neck resulting in Rita's eyelids to flutter in excitement. He lifted her top revealing her purple lace bra, with the bows that Iain just adored. Taking her waist in his hands he turned and pushed her down onto the bed. Their lips met again as Iain hovered over her. But then he continued to place kisses further down her body. Rita could feel her skin tingling as he did so, his short stubble tickling her slightly.

Just as he made his way to the top of her jeans the bedroom door swung open.

"Iain, Paul just brought the kids home so…" Jane's face was stunned as she took in the situation in front of her. Blinking, she started backing away and closing the door behind her. "I'll just go."

Rita's whole body had turned a light pink as she bit her lip from trying not to laugh. She looked at Iain who was running his hands through his hair; he too was a similar colour to Rita.

"Probably not the great first impression," she giggled, getting up from the bed and putting her top back on.

Iain allowed himself a small burst of laughter as he gathered his stuff with her.

She poked him, "At least it got a smile out of you," she smiled pecking him on the lips.

Once they had made themselves at least slightly more presentable, they shamefully left the bedroom to join Jane, Paul and the children in the front room. The atmosphere was already awkward as they walked in.

"Shall we go then?" Jane spoke quickly, wanting to leave as soon as possible.

Paul escorted the children towards the car and Jane was following behind but Iain had grabbed her arm to talk to her.

"Look, Jay, about just now," he began.

Jane held her hand up to stop him, "It's forgotten about, and I don't want to talk about it. It's none of my business. Erm, you can follow us on the way, to the hospital." She then scurried off leaving just Rita and Iain who shared a look of embarrassment.


End file.
